by Jay Monaco
Take a deep breath. Prepare yourself for a few moments spent in relief, drop the seriousness, put the dedication on hold, stuff the despair in your backpack. Just for a few minutes – you deserve it.
Don’t yell at me about how politics is serious and the struggle is life and death. I know these things. But part of our founding charter here at Communique New England, our True Love Waits promise to you, dear reader, is to make you laugh from time to time. After all, refusing to see how absurd everything is only makes it worse.
I hear some people are scared of clowns
There are very few things in this world I hate more than the billionaire oligarchs who oppress the masses and pull all the strings, and one of those things is Donald Trump, who is a pretend billionaire oligarch pretending to oppress the masses and pretending to pull the strings. I mean, there are many different types of clown – or so I hear – so why pick this act to make your living, Don-Don? Why, for the love of…whatever?
Truth be told, I don’t even like talking about the guy or acknowledging his existence, but his latest moneymaking scheme is pretending to run in the republican primary for President, and it’s just too good to ignore. Now, don’t forget, this is a republican primary likely to include upwards of 20 glazed-eye candidates in a wild and chaotic race to see who can be the most unhinged – in the most reactionary possible way, of course. Wasting no time, Donald Trump smashed the competition in his announcement speech by essentially saying all Mexicans are murdering rapists.
That his statements are reprehensible goes without saying, but, my God, it doesn’t get much funnier than this. The guy is trying to use the political process for financial gain, but he’s so stupid that he’s going to lose all his money in the process. It started with Univision dumping Trump’s Miss Universe competition in outraged protest, but this was followed by like half of everybody involved in the pageant, NBC, ESPN, New York City, Macy’s, a craft brewery, among others. Gawker has a stellar comprehensive list right here. Even NASCAR doesn’t want to go near the guy. NASCAR. I am not shitting you. Corporations and events, including PGA Golf are canceling planned events at Trump-branded golf courses and hotels, promising never to return.
But it gets better. I mean, holding my stomach, laughing on the ground better. This week, the guy actually tweeted – before deleting it – that rival Jeb Bush “has to like Mexican Illegals [sic] because of his wife”. (Jeb Bush’s wife is Latina.) Oh my god, I’m dying. Even among these batshit republicans, who says that?!?! Even Karl Rove and Lee Atwater (the latter from beyond the grave) are like, “Dude, what the fuck! I’ve never said this before, but you totally just crossed the line!”
I would not find this funny were this likely to lead to some kind of long-term gain for the fake billionaire, but, hilariously, it is so not. It gets better for us, though! Just yesterday, it came out that Trump’s latest hotel (shockingly!) is being built using the labor, in part, of undocumented immigrants.
I’m sorry, but you can’t make this up.
Before we move on, I just want to throw a shoutout to local Derry crusader Tyler McMullen, who was arrested at a Trump event in Manchester after he took the opportunity to swear at the fake billionaire pretend candidate (who would pass that up, seriously?) and refusing to stop and fighting with police. Keep on rockin’ in the free world, Tyler! All power to the people.
VFW’s: More than just cheap beer and indoor smoking (who knew?)
It should go without saying that Donald Trump’s delightful escapades represent barely the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the absurdity of the New Hampshire Primary. In but one further example, the prestigious (lol) Daily Beast took the time to write an article unintentionally explaining how ridiculous it is that the New Hampshire system requires that all candidates travel to little VFW halls for the express purpose of lying to old veterans directly to their faces.
Putting the “fun” in fundamentalism
Ah, come on, don’t be so judgmental: right-wing Christians are so much fun to have around. You won’t even realize how much you cherish them until after we feed them to the lio–er, never mind.
But seriously, bless their hearts, some of them actually believe socialism is winning! Seriously, at least someone does! This gem, brought to you by the Christian Post, cites gay marriage, the TPP, undocumented immigrants, and disrespect for Confederate generals as evidence of the victory of some peculiar American brand of Marxism-Leninism. Prime quote:
Landrieu and his fellow politicians did not show any “courage” by targeting Confederate iconography. In contrast, these politicians were only pursuing the politically correct script. It takes no courage to follow the crowd and promote a liberal agenda.
The politicians who truly try to stop the assault of progressivism are rare indeed. Therefore, liberals usually win and advance their schemes while conservatives are continually on the defensive.
As America prepares to celebrate its 239th birthday, it is obvious that the country has changed forever. There is little hope of going back to the traditions that built this nation. The days of prayer in public schools, protecting unborn babies, and upholding traditional marriage are officially over.
The new America is the home to socialized medicine, unbridled government spending and interference, legalized gay marriage, and rampant illegal immigration.
There is no GOP leadership to stop the forward march of socialism, so Americans can expect even more change in the future. It is a “brave new world” for our country as our freedoms will continue to diminish…
Yeeeeeeah! Bring on the new socialist order!
In other fundie fun, nefarious villain Joel Osteen is being harassed by his fellow fundies. If you don’t know, Joel Osteen is a major proponent (and multimillionaire bestselling author) of a bizarre and hilariously, horribly toxic religion distantly related to Christianity, in which God will make you rich if you get his love right, and in which the poor people are poor because, like all victims of police brutality, they MUSTA DONE SOMETHING WRONG!
Basically, I like anybody who gives this guy a hard time. If I were rich myself, I’d fund a little black ops group to deflate his tires everywhere he goes. That’s all they would do. So I’m glad six people got arrested for screaming uncontrollably during one of his services.
Granted, they appear to be just as off the rails as he is, telling the Washington Post they are “convinced that the sins of Joel Osteen and Lakewood church have reached heaven and that God has remembered their iniquities.” But I mean, whatever the hell that means, rock on, comrades!
Bobby Jindal might be the funniest republican, if there were no Donald Trump
Before we go, here’s a fun video of local activist and Occupy New Hampshire member Matt Lawrence schooling Louisiana governor Jindal, who is, in fairness, not a smart man.
(Once you have completed watching the video, you can go back to being serious leftists.)